I’ve had a hard time trying to come up with just what to write in my post for today.
How can I even begin to write about today, when, five years plus one day ago, I would never have imagined that I would be here. Period.
Five years ago, to this very day (in fact, it was a Friday five years ago, too), I woke up and said to myself, “I’m ready to eat more today.” I was finally ready to start listening to my own voice again, instead of the insidious voice of ED, which, in my body, appeared as anorexia nervosa.
Five years plus one day was, quite possibly, the absolute lowest day in my battle against ED. I went to bed that night not knowing what to expect, or what would happen to me. In those days, when I would close my eyes to get what little rest my body would allow, I never really knew what the next day would bring. Or what ED would do to me.
But Friday February 15th, 2008, dawned. Cold and bright. And I heard, for the first time in such a long time, not the voice of ED telling me not to eat, or that I was worthless, or should be ashamed, but my own true voice, telling me it was okay to take care of myself again. Okay to love and respect and accept myself again. Okay to let my own light shine.
My gorgeous girl, I am struck by the fact that today, when we went out for a five year rebirthday celebratory lunch with Noni and Nuki (my parents), the song that was playing in the background at our favourite diner was “don’t stop believing.”
It reminded me of a little plaque that I have on my desk that Noni gave me on my first year rebirthday. It reads:
She believed she could. So she did.
Zoe Bee, with all my heart, I wish you joy and love and light and laughter. But more importantly, I wish for you courage.. The courage to believe that you can do whatever you set your wee self to do, no matter what obstacle you are facing.
In my wildest and most secret dreams, I never could have imagined getting to spend my fifth rebirthday with you giggling away in my arms as we dance around.
You are proof that we don’t ever have to stop believing…
(*Originally posted on And Bumble Makes Three on February 15th, 2013)