Letting Go…Seven Years

My Gorgeous Girl, Zoe–

So.  It has come to this.  Seven years, to the day, of living a life I recovered from ED.  And on this day, seven years post-ED, I just happen to finish the first draft of my PhD dissertation.  Coincidence?  I really do not think so.  And here is why…

“What is inherently wrong with wanting to take up more space instead of less?”

Who wrote that, my wee bee?

The answer is simple: me.

Even post-ED, Zoe, I tried to live smaller than my true self kept telling me to be.  Perhaps it was leftover bits of ED, trying to sway me back.  It didn’t work, but it also didn’t let me grow and flourish and simply BE the larger than life person that I am.  And I don’t mean with respect to my physical body: I learned a long time ago that our bodies do what they are supposed to do if only we let them.  If only we can let go.

But the living small?  The playing small?  The not-shining-so-brightly so that others might not be shocked or dismayed or put off by my brightness?  That continued.

So, Zoe, I ask you: “what is inherently wrong with wanting to take up more space instead of less?”

I have a sneaking suspicion that you, my wee girl, would look up at me, wearing your navy blue sunglasses, bright pink pom-pommed hat, red and pink tutus and “dancing shoes” and ask me what on earth could I possibly mean by that question, because you always take up more space: your light shines so brightly and boldly.  You always are exactly who you are.

And so, finally, on this auspicious day, when I have been seven years without ED, when I finally finish the first draft of my dissertation, I finally realize what it’s really all about:

Letting Go.

It’s time for me to let go.  Let go of the notion that the universe wants me to play smaller and shine less brightly than I naturally do.  Let go of the idea that I always have to be perfect, do things perfectly, and react perfectly to every situation (or in this case, that I have to write my dissertation perfectly- or even close to perfectly.  That’s what revision time is for!!)

I will wear my neon yellow and navy striped skirt because I love to twirl in it.

I will mismatch my stripes and polka dots and plaids, and of course mismatch my socks.

I will eat homemade cookies, with much delight, for breakfast with you (okay, I will continue to do this, since we’ve been doing this for awhile!).

I will dance: not just in the kitchen, but on the street as I walk home from work; on the subway; as I bop down the hallways at school.

I will (continue to) paint and re-paint our mismatched wooden furniture that I have dragged home off the side of the road so that our decor mirrors our bright and colourful lives.

And I will keep sharing.  I will keep tearing off the shame:

Shame No More.

Only Joy.

Only Joy, and Laughter, And Pure Unadulterated Bliss.

As you dance with your wee beauty.

Wee Bee.

She who brings happiness.

I am happy, Zoe, and bursting with Joy.  I refuse to hold any of it in, any longer.

with gratitude for seven years of discovery, growth, and Life Itself (that would be you, Zoe, since Zoe means “Life”)–


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