This Little Light

You do not heal from trauma, and nobody heals you either.  You simply reconnect with that sacred place in yourself that was never traumatised, never broken, never damaged in the first place; your true Self, absolute and ever-present, innocent and free…You are not broken; you are Unbreakable.- Jeff Foster

 

My dear bee,

A friend posted this quote on Facebook the other day.  (*I wonder, as you are reading this, if Facebook is still a “thing” or if all the cool kids have moved onto different ways of communicating…like picking up the phone or mailing a letter with an actual stamp).

A friend posted this quote, and it makes my heart scream “yes” each time I read it.

A friend posted this quote, and it makes me hopeful.

A friend posted this quote, and it makes me a little terrified, too.

Because, my sweet girl, through this process of peeling back layer upon layer of armour, of the things and thoughts and actions and “stories” that have served me well in keeping me at some functioning level of safety (although, as I peel them back, I am quickly realizing that while it was a functioning level of safety, it was not, truly, feeling safe deep in my bones), the question that remains is…”what’s left beneath the layers?”

What is left, my wee bee, way down deep in my heart?  In my soul?

The stories that swirl through my head, shoved deep inside both by me and by others, want me to believe that I am not worthy.  That I am undeserving of the light that keeps threatening to pour out of my heart, seep out of my soul.  That the love that I have for the world around me, and especially for those in my world, and especially especially for my own self, is unfounded.

These stories tell me to stop; to pull back; to push away.  To give back the love others so readily share with me.  To hold back my light, with every ounce of strength that I have, because, as I had so quickly learned, my light and my love were no good, were unwanted.  My light and my love served no purpose, helped no one.  (*as an exceptionally important aside, my dear girl, this original sentence read: “my light and my love ARE no good.  My light and my love SERVE no purpose, HELP no one” but then I remembered that that was then, and this is now).

These stories kept me safe, in a world that felt so terrifying for so long.  “Stay awake,” “Stay alert,” “Hold fast,” “Hold tight.”

These stories kept me safe, once.  But no longer.

Now, as I peel back each layer, feeling more vulnerable than I have in the longest time (if I’m being honest, at times it feels as though my actual skin is raw, new, exposed), I know that all the world wants of me is to let that light and that love go.  I am serving no one by holding it back, and I can serve everyone, most especially myself, by letting that light and love free.

The moral of this story, my dear girl, is that beneath it all, even if we have been deeply, deeply hurt; deeply deeply afraid; and wrapped ourselves in all kinds of stories in an attempt to stay safe…beneath all of those layers, all of that hurt, all of that pain, all of that fear, our light and our love are still there, fighting with every ounce to shine out in the world.

And yes, it is terrifying.  Yes, it is awe-inspiring and yes-inducing.  And most of all, it is the greatest act of hope that we can ever dare to share with the world– to believe, even after all the hurt and pain and fear, that our love and our light still exist deep inside our hearts, and, just as importantly, that not only do they belong out in the world, but also that there are those out in the world who will greet our love and our light with joy and celebration and dancing.

Because they’ve let their light out, too.

And while it might not be pretty (in fact, in my own experience, it is messy and murky and downright muddy), it just might be the most important task you will ever do in your one sweet life.

This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine…let it shine, let it shine, let it shine

 

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