Adventures in Wee Bee Keeping

Zoe…sometimes you might be sad.

Angry.

Lonely.

Scared.

And then, suddenly…

Suddenly you will find yourself dancing up a frenzy in the sunroom with your family to the scene where Hugh Grant is dancing to “Jump (for my love)” in Love Actually.

Suddenly you will find yourself dancing at school on a frigidly cold day during recess (since it’s much much much too cold to go outside).

Suddenly you will find yourself curled up and cozied up in a blanket, by yourself or with someone else who makes you smile, reading quietly, enjoying the (shared) silence.

Suddenly you will stop for just a moment and think to yourself, “Wow. My life is nowhere close to what I thought it was going to be and yet it is completely amazing.”

Suddenly…each day, each moment, each memory is a gift.

(Here I feel I should type “and that’s why it’s called the present”…but I think it’s much more than that. I think it’s more like “and that’s why it’s called BEING present”)

On the eve of my birthday, I am giving great thanks for the best gift of all–you–and all you have taught me–especially the gift of being present.

And then, suddenly…

You will Be Here Now.

Except that you, my love, already are.

All my love to you, sweet wee bee

Wee Bee of mine…whose nickname, Bee, literally means “she who brings happiness”…it almost seems redundant to write a post for you on Happiness because you, my dear sweet gorgeous girl, bring not just happiness but Joy wherever you go. Those who are graced with your presence feel it. Even strangers on the street, glancing at you as you smile and wave in your stroller (or, increasingly, as you throw your entire being into running alongside the stroller while shouting, “run, run mummie!” and laughing in delight at the wind in your curls), can’t help but break out in a huge grin that spreads all the way to their eyes.

You Bring Joy. You Bring Light. You Bring Happy.

It pours out of your growing body as you shimmy and shake to a favourite song…as you spin around and around, getting dizzy…as you grab my hand and A.She’s (Aunti Sheri’s) hand too and free fall shouting “weee”, swinging from our arms. As you help cook something delicious for a “yum yum party” (your own invented word for dinner- which in my humble opinion is simply brilliant)…as you get “cozy” under the blankets for a story with the sweetest smile…as you hug and kiss your best friend Patch.

You have taught me so much about being happy and joy-full in your two years and change on this planet.

You don’t hide your happy away, fearful that others might reject you or your joy for life itself.

You are happy in and of itself, and also unapologetically happy when you are with those you love or doing what you love. I used to believe that happiness was only good if it came from within and within alone: but now I know it needs to start within and radiate outwards.

You never people-please. Somehow you intuitively know that doing something just to please other people (very very different than caring for other people or serving others with joy and love) will not only not make you happy, but it also, in the long run, doesn’t make them happy either. The very best way to help spread Happy and Joy around is to just be full of Joy and Happy yourself. To live your truth.

And so, my sweet wee bee, my advice on Happy is to just keep doing what you’re doing, because Happy looks good on you. Keep laughing, keep running, keep twirling around.

And thank you for being our ambassador of Joy. You are teaching us all how to bee.

to my Gorgeous Girl (and to all gorgeous girls out there),

There will come a time in the not-so-distant future where you will fall in love.

Deeply.  Passionately.  Joyfully.  All-consuming love. Phrases like “head over heels” and “Love at first sight” and “soul mate” will fly off your tongue and out of your mouth, into the world with abandon.

Or it may even be the possibility of lovethat opens your heart. Makes you dream. Gives you infinite Hope, as you gaze into the eyes of a new someone who appears in your life.
The grass will smell sweeter; the sun will shine brighter; and time will slow down and speed up, all at once.  And if you are anything like your dear old mum (which I suspect you are, given your ability to spread joy at the drop of a wee finger or kiss), you will believe in the possibility of love quickly and easily.  You may leap first and look later.  I wonder at times if this loving so easily has a little something to do with being in love and in awe of life itself in all its grit and guts and glory, and wanting to share that feeling with those who touch your heart…
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There may be those who will tell you you need to hold yourself back: hold the love in.  Keep it locked away inside.  Protect Your Heart.  Protect Yourself.

And there will also be those along this journey who will run scared from your love.  Who won’t know what to do with such a funny, sweet, (slightly) innocent, strong, intelligent, beautiful-inside- and- out woman, and so they will choose to do nothing at all, instead of embracing all that you are.

Sadly too there may be those who will break your heart, for many reasons, none of which have anything to do with you and your love.  

And there will be times when a love story will be over sooner than you think or will not go exactly as expected.  In times like these, all we can do is Trust that the universe has our backs, and that a new story is about to begin…
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But my advice to you, in the midst of all of this beauty and sometimes pain and confusion is to Just Be(e).

Be true to yourself.  Don’t hold the love in.  Let it out.  Let it shine brightly and boldly.

Be not afraid of fear.  I have learned, in my thirty-five years on this planet, that in the end there are really only two emotions: fear and love.  Listen to the fear, and remember that it is often when we are most afraid that we are on the brink of something new, something big, something full of Love, so take that leap.

Be brave and bold.  If something doesn’t feel right, if someone hurts you or does not honour your beautiful self, be brave enough to Love Yourself First and do what is right for you.  Trust that if you ever have to make a giant leap like this out of a window, leaving a situation that no longer matches your truth, you will learn how to fly.  And that I will be there, holding your hand. I’ve done it, and you can, too, my wee girl.
Be hopeful. They say that you need to expect the worst and hope for the best. Well, I say hope for the best and expect the best. Let love and life surprise and delight you.

And finally, most importantly, remember who the most important person in your love story is: my darling wee bee, it’s You.  You are the star of your own love story.  People will waltz in and out (and maybe even in, again); people will stay for a long stroll or an almost eternity or something in between; relationships will transform these supporting players from lovers to friends or from friends to lovers (or maybe even into beautiful, distant memories).  But the one constant is You.

Love Your Life.  Love Your Self.  Fiercely.  Boldly.  Courageously.  There will always be another person who will come along and join in your love, this I promise you.  But there will never be another You.

I love you more than anything in the Whole. Wide. World.  You are Big, Big Love.  Always.

dearest wee bee of mine–

Zoe Bee, what a year it has been!  And how much you have grown!  So much has happened and changed that I do not even know exactly where to begin, or what to write.  Except that I know that the key when staring down a blank computer screen (aka writer’s block) is to pause, think, and then just keep writing.

And maybe, Zoe, just maybe, this is the key to life itself.

Maybe, just maybe, this is the lesson that we have learned, together, this year.  When you have no idea what to do, or what to say, or what to feel…pause, think on it for a moment or two, and then just keep living.

Keep dancing.  Keep singing.  Keep writing.  Keep playing.  Keep smiling.  Keep laughing.  Keep crying.  But just keep on going.

Through the feelings of uncertainty, when you don’t know if you’re doing the right thing or not, when you don’t know if you’ll make a mistake if you choose A instead of B. Through the feelings of sadness, disappointment, worry, despair.  Through the intense feelings of excitement and joy, when you feel that things can’t possibly be true because they just seem too good.  Through the fear: of being too vulnerable, too exposed, too much, too little.  

I’m going to let you in on a little secret, my darling sweet girl:  sometimes you will make a mistake.  Sometimes you’ll feel uncertain and scared for a good long time, so unsure of what to do that you’ll just wait, in limbo, feeling anxious.  Sometimes you’ll feel sad, disappointed, worried.  Sometimes life hurts.  

But often (most often, knowing your tendency to bring joy with you everywhere you go), you will feel Joy.  Excitement.  Anticipation of amazing things and people and places to come, as they all wait for you, right around the corner.

I used to be so very, very afraid, Zoe.  And to be honest with you, sometimes those worries creep in again from time to time.  But luckily, I now know that in life, we have a choice.  It is our choice, your choice, my wee bee, to dwell in the fear, or to dwell in the possibility of love.

All we can do is trust that the universe has our backs, and that everything will be okay.  Because it always, always is….okay.  Better than okay.  In fact, it’s always pretty darn amazing.

So…

“grab your coat and get your hat

leave your worries on the door step

life can be so sweet

on the sunny side of the street” 

-Tony Bennett

Expect Amazing.  Trust that everything will be better than Okay…because the truth is, it already is.

My dearest wee bee,

On the eve of my “rebirth day” (or, as mummie’s friend recently called it, my “no-more-ED day”), I am struck by the differences between my life six years ago, and my life today, at this very moment.

Six years ago I went to bed on Valentine’s Day, not to dream sweet dreams, but rather stuck in the middle of a nightmare. I would never have admitted it out loud at the time, but my ultimate fear was that ED was winning. And in fact, having eaten basically nothing all day on Thursday February 14th, 2008, I would have to say that ED’s voice was at its strongest that day.

Somewhere, somehow, my voice fought back. “I’m ready to eat more today,” it rang out, clear as day, when I woke up on February 15th, 2008.

And so, with those six words, I was reborn. My old life gone, and a new life ready to begin.

It is fascinating to me that in our fast-paced, constantly-in-motion society we tend to be so resistant to change. We hang on, instead of learning to let go.

Change is different. Change is scary. Change means losing what we have. But we seem to have forgotten that it is only in losing what we have, in letting go of the past, that we make room for the new. We can’t move forward if we are holding onto the baggage from our past. We can’t face into the sun if we are focused on the shadows at our backs.

And so, Zoe, I say to you: Dare to be a Phoenix.

Be resilient. Rise up, over and over and over again, from the ashes. Know that life is a series of gains and losses and gains, again. Make mistakes and wear them proudly, as badges of honour, “proud flesh”, proof that you are, in the midst of fear, courageous still.

Dare to be a Phoenix.

Delight in the opportunity to begin life anew.

Draw strength from the simple truth that you can always rise up, again, no matter what adversity has come across your door.

Six years ago I would never have conceived of the possibility of you.. And yet, here you are, an absolute joy-full reality. A constant reminder to me that life always has some new surprise waiting for us, once we let go of all the heavy burdens of the past. It might not be what we’re expecting; in fact, it’s usually something much more brilliant and magnificent than we could ever have imagined.

Dare to be a Phoenix, Zoe Bee. And wear your yellow and black feathers proudly.

I know I do.

“I wish I had your problem.”

These six words were the words that I heard, over and over and over again, whenever I summoned the courage to disclose that I was battling against ED (otherwise known as an eating disorder…in my case, manifesting itself as anorexia nervosa).

And in honour of EDAW (Eating Disorders Awareness Week), I am sharing my story, again.

I share it often.  In written words, in spoken words. Through my actions with my students, in the workshops that I lead with teachers. On the national news, or casually on the street.

I share my story because it is not just my story.

And it was, and is, not just “my problem.”

It is our problem. And it is our story. 

There is something amiss in a society that wants us to shrink when we ought to be growing.  In a culture that tries to tell us what is (and, even more forcefully, what is not) beautiful.  Something wrong with a world that tells us that it is not just okay to play small, but that it is our duty to twist and contort our bodies into something that they were never meant to be, all in an effort to “fit in.” 

I am done playing small. And I am done trying to fit.

I recovered my life from ED more than five years ago, and I will continue to fight against all of those voices who tell us we should be ashamed of ourselves. Shame! No more shame. Never again.

Here’s to health at every size.

To shining as bright and big and bold as you are meant to be.

To living a life that is full — full of love and light and joy.

To thinking of your body as something beautiful not because it fits into some scratchy and awkward mould, but because it houses your glorious soul.

Live life with grace, not perfection.

Grace, and a homemade gluten-free carrot cupcake (or two).

On the eve of your first birthday, Zoe, here is what I wish for you:

Extra tall, bright yellow rain boots to go splashing in the puddles (because the rainy days help us appreciate the sunny ones)

A supercharged flashlight to explore dark corners (and the wisdom to know when to turn it off so you can see the stars)

A small scar or two (because scars are just proof of our underlying strength to heal and carry on)

A finger snapping, heel stomping song on the radio (or rather, Songza) that comes on at exactly the right time (because a cheerful tune can turn the dreariest task into a delightful one)

Sticky fingers and sandy feet (leftover from warm days eating juicy watermelon on a sandy beach)

A heart-healing good read and a cozy blanket on a chilly day (and the wisdom to know when you need to stop for a moment, put your feet up and take a break)

Mistakes (make them often-big ones, small ones; teensy ones. And then learn from them.. You are a Phoenix, and you can rise up, again, anytime you wish)

Belly laughs, tears (of joy and sadness), eye-wrinkling smiles (and the wrinkles that inevitably go along with them), gray hair…

Zoe Elyse. You are Life Herself. Above all, remember that You Are Worthy. You fought so hard to come into this world, and you, my gorgeous wee bee, have every single right to be treated like the miracle that you are, not only by those around you, but by your own true self. And don’t forget that everyone else around you is a miracle, too. There is room enough on the planet for everyone’s light to shine bright.

And because it’s me, your mum who loves to end with a quote, I’ll leave you with one (or three):

“I will never be the woman with the perfect hair who can wear white and not spill on it”- Carrie Bradshaw
(**this just means that you need to have a good stain remover, not that you shouldn’t wear white!)

“Instructions for living a life: Pay attention. Be astonished. Tell about it.”- Mary Oliver

“It’s okay to make mistakes, Ms Cox. That’s how we learn.”- a very wise kindergarten student

Know you are loved. On your first birthday, and always.

(*Originally posted on And Bumble Makes Three on July 28th, 2013)

Dearest Wee Bee of Mine,

I haven’t written in oh so long, Zoe.

Things haven’t been easy. Not with you- you always make every minute of every day easy. But life itself has been far too busy and hectic with a huge dash of health worries (again, not for you!) that are now finally starting to clear- now, finally, we can see the light at the other side- and it wasn’t in my heart to write.

But then I realized that this is exactly the time to write- exactly what I need. And so, a little trip back to the day my miracle was born.

“I am realistic. I expect miracles”- Wayne Dyer

Zoe, we were all waiting waiting waiting for you to arrive. Not just in the weeks leading up to your birth, but really, if I am being honest, for much much longer than that.

My side of our family had not had a baby born in such a long time, and I was terrified of giving birth. Not of anything afterwards, because I wanted you in my arms more than anything, but of giving birth itself. And not of the pain of giving birth- but rather, that it might not go the way I had it all neatly planned out in my head.

Life, my darling girl, does not really go according to plan. But it does give you miracles if you expect them.

I wanted as little intervention as possible. No induction, no epidural, no other medications, as few “extras” as possible. But if I’m being honest, my fear of giving birth was crowding out picturing all of that in my head, and of welcoming all of that into my heart. All I could consistently “see” in my mind was a baby whooshing out of me and then being placed on my chest.

And that, my girl, is what happened. We were induced, my contractions tired me out because they weren’t progressing at all so I had an epidural, I ended up with a fever so I had to have antibiotics for the first time in years, and we had an enormous medical team in the delivery room waiting to make sure you would be alright (since my fever was complicating everything).

But then? All of a sudden….

whoosh

And there you were.

Our lovely nurse asks if I can see what I had, and I whisper, “no.” And then daddy looks down at you and says the most beautiful words in the world, “it’s a girl!”

Zoe, sometimes our fear crowds out the good. But even in the midst of all of the fear that I had, I was still able to picture the most important miracle of all- the moment of your birth. You whooshed into the room, and into our lives, with all of the might and strength and light and love that we all needed- even more than I could ever have imagined.

Life brings what we anticipate, what we focus in on, what we expect. So expect miracles, Zoe. Let them whoosh into your life in the same way you joyfully rushed into ours.

(*Originally posted on And Bumble Makes Three on April 26th, 2013)

I’ve had a hard time trying to come up with just what to write in my post for today.

How can I even begin to write about today, when, five years plus one day ago, I would never have imagined that I would be here. Period.

Five years ago, to this very day (in fact, it was a Friday five years ago, too), I woke up and said to myself, “I’m ready to eat more today.” I was finally ready to start listening to my own voice again, instead of the insidious voice of ED, which, in my body, appeared as anorexia nervosa.

Five years plus one day was, quite possibly, the absolute lowest day in my battle against ED. I went to bed that night not knowing what to expect, or what would happen to me. In those days, when I would close my eyes to get what little rest my body would allow, I never really knew what the next day would bring. Or what ED would do to me.

But Friday February 15th, 2008, dawned. Cold and bright. And I heard, for the first time in such a long time, not the voice of ED telling me not to eat, or that I was worthless, or should be ashamed, but my own true voice, telling me it was okay to take care of myself again. Okay to love and respect and accept myself again. Okay to let my own light shine.

My gorgeous girl, I am struck by the fact that today, when we went out for a five year rebirthday celebratory lunch with Noni and Nuki (my parents), the song that was playing in the background at our favourite diner was “don’t stop believing.”

It reminded me of a little plaque that I have on my desk that Noni gave me on my first year rebirthday. It reads:

She believed she could. So she did.

Zoe Bee, with all my heart, I wish you joy and love and light and laughter. But more importantly, I wish for you courage.. The courage to believe that you can do whatever you set your wee self to do, no matter what obstacle you are facing.

In my wildest and most secret dreams, I never could have imagined getting to spend my fifth rebirthday with you giggling away in my arms as we dance around.

You are proof that we don’t ever have to stop believing…

(*Originally posted on And Bumble Makes Three on February 15th, 2013)

“Beat ED. Then Ate Up Life.”

I strung those six words together as a way of summing up my hopes and dreams and continuing journey through life a little over a year ago. At the time, I had no idea that my life would change so dramatically–that we would be truly blessed with such a sweet “Bumble” of Pure Joy who would fill up our lives with sweetness and light and love.

And now, my wee bee, my darling gorgeous girl, has started her own journey into the realm of “solid” food (here I am putting solid in quotes because her puréed food most definitely does not resemble anything solid-like at all!).

I am struck by the fact that Zoe turned six months of age last week -the week before National Eating Disorders Awareness Week- that she started on her avocado “soup” the same week that, just one short year ago, we spoke at the Sheena’s Place Awareness Breakfast together (Zoe, at that time only sixteen weeks in utero and going by her nickname, Bumble). Zoe has since joined me, bouncing away on my hip, for many other speaking engagements. But this one was special, because it was the very first time I had spoken in public as a mother. It was, really, the first time that I started to consider the miracle of growing and gaining from the perspective of a new parent-to-be(e).

And now, one year later, I watch as Zoe Bee takes a gleeful spoonful of her very special avocado….she grabs the spoon from me to feed herself, swirls the avocado around in her mouth, discovering new tastes and textures, eagerly looking to her bumble bee bowl for more…and then, when she has had enough, she simply stops eating.

My wish, my fervent hope for you, Zoe Bee, is that you will always be able to have such joy in your eyes, excitement in your smile, and love in your heart whenever you eat. May food always be a friend, never a foe. May you always eat when you are hungry, and stop when you are full. May you delight in trying new foods, tasting old favourites, and dancing around the kitchen as you help Mummie with her baking. May you continue to let yourself grow and flourish into the beautiful person you are meant to bee.

May you always “eat up life”, knowing that Mummie already Beat ED, so that you will never have to…

Oh Zoe, how I love you! And how grateful and joy-full I am, with all that you teach me, every single minute of every single day.

(*Originally posted on And Bumble Makes Three on February 4th, 2013)